And one more thing...

Thank you, Chryssa.

"Oh, go on and cry. You'll pee less."

 I'M STRESSED OUT.

I've been wound up like a spring for the last two weeks, and each time I think all has fallen back into a sensible order, it's crisis time again. It's like I'm trying to file a bunch of papers, see? But there's an army of little men who live at the bottom of the filing cabinet drawer, and they just can't wait until I tuck something away so they can tear it to shreds. Party. Confetti. Life's a beach, man.

As of yet, my patience has been serving me well, but it's running thin tonight. Luckily, I'm somehow still smiling and the shinola continues to outweigh the shit. But I'm stressed, damnit. Why don't I have that Valium prescription anymore? Time to count to ten.

I watched Postcards from the Edge for the first time tonight. Great movie, containing the awesome quote that inspired this whiny post. It seems that I will be peeing a little less after this.

Art & Music Schtuff! (And other news.)

My schedule is consumed with all things art and music right now. I'm in two bands right now - Eat Your Heart Out! and Wienerslav. Both of my musical projects will be playing at the WRC's Rock Against Rape show (to benefit Safe Passage) at The House on April 8th, and Wienerslav is playing another show there on the 22nd. It's been so long since I've played a show, and I've never played keyboard in a band before, which I am now doing with Wienerslav.

Chryssa, Alexandra, and I practiced about a week ago. We are tightening up some classic material, and also working on some new stuff. Liam, Josiah, and I have been working on getting together a 30 minute set, and it is going really well. It's always exciting to play with new musicians, and I feel like we've really started to gel. I think my keyboard skills are improving a lot, and my voice is getting some much-needed practice, too.

Chrissy and I opened an Etsy shop about two weeks ago, called The Tawdry Owl, and we've been working on items to fill it up. We haven't posted anything yet, but should have some cool paper picture frames up in the next week. Chrissy has been slaving away over them and they look awesome! I'm pretty sure she was a sweatshop worker in a past life. I, on the other hand, have yet to actually FINISH any of the items I've started. Everything I want to make seems to take forever... I'm trying to up my production energy, but art school homework and music practice have been taking up most of my time. Here's a picture of some of the frames Chrissy's working on. I'll post an update when we post them for sale in the shop.

Other bits of randomness that have pleased me lately, in no particular order: Josiah taught me how to play Go, I got some new VHS tapes for my collection, Jaime very generously let me borrow her electric piano, I heard from two people on Facebook who I haven't seen in years, I spent a wonderful afternoon with my mom, I've almost finished reading Snoop, and I finally cleaned my room.

And a few things I'm looking forward to in the next couple of weeks: Chryssa's birthday, practicing more with all my awesome band mates, a Flak Attack, and actually finishing one of my Etsy projects.

And, finally, go check out Chrissy's new blog: Blog de Glitter Emitter. I command you.

Spring Break

I'm currently on spring break from school, and just got home from an awesome road trip with my friends Chrissy and Liam. We went to Myrtle Beach, S.C. Our vacation was spent visiting a great local bar (Duffy's/The Bowery), eating at delicious little restaurants where we could smoke INDOORS, hanging at the beach, visiting the Ripley's Aquarium and other attractions, and meeting odd characters.

This is where I should go into detail about our trip, but I feel like I've got too much to catch up on in my blogging after not writing for a month. So, instead, you'll just have to use your imagination as to what went on in S.C. Here's a slide show of some of my favorite trip photos to help get you started:

Last week, I played an open mic with my new band, Wienerslav (name subject to change in near future), at The House Cafe in DeKalb. We were offered to open up a show on April 22nd and I'm quite stoked. The last time I played a show was about a year ago, with my other band, Eat Your Heart Out!. I will also be playing a "Rock Against Rape" show with both of my bands on April 8th. Music has been one of my major foci for the last couple months, and I feel like it's paying off. It feels great to be performing again.

I've also been SWAMPED with schoolwork this semester. My studio art classes (2-D Art and Beginning Sculpture) are keeping me very busy. I've been juggling like crazy to keep my schedule in order, and I'm not an innately organized person, so it's been a bit rough. I did scratch a couple important items off my to-do list yesterday: replaced my social security card that's been lost for almost two years, and got new copies of my birth certificate with which I can apply for a passport. (I'm going to Greece in June with my friend Chryssa, and I'm incredibly excited.) Next on my list is paying off a few parking tickets I've gotten lately... boo and hiss. Luckily, they're for small amounts and didn't cost much more than parking in the pay lot at school would have. But still, BUMMER.

Well, I'm off for now... going to call up Chryssa and Alexandra and see if we can make a little coffee time today. Cheers, all.

The Last Time I Had A Valentine

It's been 10 years since I've had a Valentine, and on this lonely anniversary I'd like to share the story of the last time I celebrated the holiday. It's time for the internet to own this shitty memory, not me...

It was the year 2000; I was 17 and a senior in high school. For about a year, I had been in an on-again-off-again relationship with my first boyfriend, Ryan. When Valentine's Day rolled around, we were in an "off" phase, but still seeing each other every weekend, and I was positive that we would soon be an official couple again. Despite all the drama and manipulation that he injected into my life, my pathetically low self-esteem made me go back to him time and again, believing that no one else would ever want me. I saw myself as ugly and replaceable, a fat girl getting by on her sense of humor and generous nature, and felt that I was lucky to have anybody who wanted me. It's very hard to admit that these were my regular thought patterns, considering the strong person I have become over time, but they were; my thoughts were that of someone who felt she had no worth outside of that which others assigned to her.

My best friend Nicki was dating Ryan's best friend Justin. Through the grapevine, I heard that Ryan and Justin had been at the local flower shop during the week of Valentine's Day, buying roses which they intended to send to their sweethearts at school. On the morning of the fateful holiday, Nicki was called down to the office during our government class, and came back with a giant bouquet of flowers. She told me that she had seen an identical bouquet right next to it on the counter, surely from Ryan to me. My heart swelled with excitement through my next few classes, as I anxiously awaited this romantic gift.

Finally, after waiting hours that seemed like days, I was called to the office. The secretary handed me a single rose with a note attached, then wished me a happy Valentine's Day and sent me on my way. Outside the office, I read the card and my heart dropped into my stomach - the rose was from my friend Katie, a lovely platonic gesture that I found nearly impossible to appreciate at that moment.

At the end of the day, I confessed to Nicki that Ryan had not sent me flowers. She promptly found her boyfriend, who admitted that yes, Ryan had bought a dozen-rose bouquet when they went to the florist's shop, but that, sadly, it had not been for me. It was for Justin's ex-girlfriend, Rachel, who Ryan had recently met and developed a crush on.
 

I was embarrassed, incredibly hurt, and totally confused. I immediately began making excuses for Ryan's behavior, justifying his total lack of respect for me. I didn't confront him about the way he hurt me; I ignored it. We had plans that evening for a double date with Nicki and Justin, and I was terrified of canceling. I knew that if I wasn't there, he would simply find someone else, and that thought was enough to make me go to Hell and back to keep him.

That night, I arrived at Ryan's house to meet up with everyone, wearing my "I swear I'm okay" face. Although no one brought up what had happened earlier in the day, Ryan was clearly pissed off at me for some unknown reason, and acted completely indifferent to my presence. When it was time to leave for dinner, he kept checking his phone and stalling, making us all wait around but refusing to tell us why. Our questions were answered when a car pulled into the driveway - he had invited Rachel.

I was dumbfounded and mortified, for the second time in one day. As Rachel approached the house, Ryan looked at me, ready to fight over any reaction I might give his mean-spirited stunt. Nicki and Justin were as appalled as I was, and uncomfortable to boot. I asked Ryan if I should leave (yes, I ASKED him, rather than just high-tailing it out of there) and he replied that he didn't care; I could go or stay, and it was all the same to him. At this point my stubbornness kicked in, and I told Nicki and Justin that I would ride to the restaurant with them, since Rachel would be riding with Ryan.

And I did. I made it through the most horrific dinner of my life with a little bit of wit and a lot of repressed feelings. I held back the tears until I got home that night, and by the time they came my anger for him had become hatred for myself. A couple months later, I began dating Ryan again, and the shame cycle continued. Luckily, though, his behavior on Valentine's Day had desensitized me enough that when I saw the words "FAT FUCK" written across my face in his yearbook, I barely even blinked an eye. It was just another day in Love, after all.